me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
