We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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