What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
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When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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