ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
