my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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