She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
God I need to hump something, right now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
