Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
