you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
