so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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