I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
