what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
