I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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