i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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