The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
