So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
