apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
