so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
