We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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