counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
