This dress was meant to end up on your floor
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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