True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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