I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
