i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
