i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
