Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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