This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
