People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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