how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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