How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How does one acquire holy water?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
