He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
