Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
