you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
