Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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