note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
