This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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