i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
