I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
