Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
