my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
