Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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