Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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