Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
this just has baby written all over it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
