Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Houston, we have a blender
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
