Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
