I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
