Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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