Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
