Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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