when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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