I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
