It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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