so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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