ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
