Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
