Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
