My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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