The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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